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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Church to Talk about Mercy, Finally

By: SCCB Staff

Holy Affection Church's youth group is excited about it's new bishop,
who will finally teach them about the real Jesus.
Greensburg, Penn. - A bishop-elect has said that he is going to imitate Pope Francis' attention to mercy, beginning a totally new thing in the two-thousand-year-old Catholic religion.

Bishop-elect Ruggles' words seem to resonate with the people of his diocese. "It's great to have attention given to this new idea. If we had done so earlier maybe so many bad things would not have happened, like slavery, women not being able to vote, and the death of Jesus," said Mary-Kate Robinson of Holy Affection Parish in Greensburg.

"Mercy is such a powerful idea, one that can really bring people together," said George Fance, an employee of the diocese.

When asked what mercy meant to him, Mr. Fance said that "Mercy is about doing good to others, something totally missed by Christians until Pope Francis."

"It's about not judging," said youth group leader, Tim Timmies. "Like if someone in our youth group got a tattoo, I wouldn't judge them. Or if someone in the group had sex, I wouldn't judge them. I would be mad if it was unprotected sex, but I wouldn't judge them. Just like Pope Francis is teaching us: 'don't ever judge anything, ever.'"

Local theological professor, Karla Mousonier, said she was very excited to hear about the new bishop's focus on mercy. "If there was only a way to integrate the concept of mercy into the liturgy, we would be well on our way, wouldn't we?"

"Accepting the idea of mercy demands a total re-conceptualizing of the Christian Faith," she added.

"No, it's not a vacuous term, bandied about by empty-headed people who have no theological and historical sense, who just hear something that sounds nice and then run with it."

Monday, April 20, 2015

Church Worst Hirer Ever: Study

By: SCCB Staff

New York - A study commissioned by Forbes Magazine has some a pretty surprising findings for Catholics. It turns out that the Catholic Church is the worst at hiring people.

Chet Hewis, editor-in-chief of Forbes, said that it was hires like Catholic Relief Services’ of "married" homosexual Rick Estridge, as its Vice President, and like that of Roger Lawler, radical sex-ed program supporter, as General Secretary of the Ontario Catholic Bishops' Conference, that put the Church in first place.

"All the organizations in our top-50 list did things like this. It's like hiring a vegetarian to run your cattle ranch," said Hewis. "It should be obvious that finding the right people for your organization is a key to success. The organizations in this list have a lot to learn."

Other 'terrible hirers' include the People of the United States of America for hiring renowned America-hater, Barack Obama, as its president - twice. Greenpeace likewise gained infamy for hiring jet-setter, Pascal Husting, as its international program director.

"Every company makes mistakes. This list is about companies that failed spectacularly to do any background research at all or to think about their organization's long-term goals."

When asked by SCCB to comment on the case of the Catholic Church, Hewis indicated that wrong hires was something of a tradition for that organization, citing its original twelve branch manager, the Apostles, as case in point.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

French Ambassadorial Kerfuffle Resolved

By: SCCB French Correspondent, Henri LaMasonLibre

French diplomat, Stefanini.

Paris, France - A recent diplomatic incident had left papal-watchers wondering about Pope Francis' view on homosexuality.

The incident began when the French government nominated an apparently homosexual man, Laurent Stefanini, as its ambassador to the Holy See. After weeks had passed with the Holy See failing to recognize the candidate's status, it became widely rumored that Pope Francis was not the 'homosexuals' pope' after all.

Elton John was said to have "not slept well this week."

However, several days ago the press office of the Vatican's Secretariat of State denied that homosexuality factored into the equation at all, and pointed to the "hopelessly complicated process" of diplomatic appointments as the cause for the delay.

And yet it has recently come to light that Stefanini is not homosexual at all, but that he "just likes nice things," said some Vatican monsignor. (It is said that the DNA test to prove the claim is pending.)

National Catholic Register apologist for the pope, Mark Stain, added, "Not only is the candidate not gay, but it turns out that there is no such place as France. The things secular journalists and the pope-bashing traddies come up with!"