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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Basilian Order Defends Tweeter

By: SCCB Staff


Fr. James Thompson,
Director General of the Basilian Fathers

Toronto, Canada - In an exclusive interview with SCCB, Director General of the Basilian Order, James 'Little Basil' Thompson, said that the order "one-hundred percent supports Fr. Timothy Scott."

It had been widely reported that Scott had been relieved of his position as spokesman for the order as a consequence of his profane tweet about Cardinal Burke. In fact, the Basilians now report that Scott's position had expired in the summer and not because of the tweet.

When SCCB asked Thompson about this, the director said, "There is no [expletive] way we would do such a thing to an esteemed member of the congregation."

"Sure, what Scott did was [expletive] stupid. Scott obviously had his [expletive] up his [expletive] when he said that, but [expletive] - who doesn't do stupid [expletive] [expletive] every once in a while?"

Fr. Thompson said that the order has learned a great deal from the whole experience and he is personally touched for how much support from the order has been given to Fr. Scott.

"I think [expletive] Saint Basil is looking down from [expletive] heaven right now with great [expletive] pride."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Anglican Ordinariate Sends Letter

By: SCCB Staff


Ypsilanti, United States - SCCB has recently come across a document that, because of recent instances of mail fraud in the Vatican City State, had been hand-delivered to cardinals and other key members of the Roman Curia.

The note originated from the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter, the ecclesial entity that oversees the Anglo-Catholic Rite in North America, and was signed by a Fr. Greg Carruthers. So far Carruthers has not been identified.

The note was dated November 4th, 2014, and addresses the fall-out of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family that had then recently concluded. We include excerpts of it here:

"If you pull a Henry VIII on the Church, Your Eminences, we will totally be asking for our money back. We didn't go through all these shenanigans just to end up back at square one..."

"When we talked to Benedict he assured us that the Holy Catholic Church had its *&%^! [stuff] together..."

"If we wanted to be led by human beings following the trends of the times we would have stayed in the C of A... at least they have good music: i.e., no guitars."

"just like the buck-toothed ninnies running around Canterbury, only wearing red..."

"treat sacred doctrine like cauliflower at a pot-luck..."

"...the German idiot..."

"...the one who smells like feet..."

"...an ego the size of Burke's robes..."

"...considers marriage to be as important as the bits of roast beef he picks out of his teeth..."

"We just changed the bloody sign outside of the church. Who is going to pay for that? And, do you know how tired the greeters at the back of the church are with asking the people who come in what they expect to find at this church?"

Many cardinals are said to have been 'deeply moved' by the Ordinariate's concerns, although Cardinal Kasper was heard to say, "Anglicans should not tell us too much what we have to do."

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Saint John Diocese Priest-less Future

By: SCCB Staff


Bishop Paul is pictured somewhere here.

Saint John, Canada - The Catholic Church in the great old New Brunswick Loyalist city has accomplished there what the great Protestant British Empire never could: a future without Papist priests.

The bishop of the diocese, Dirk Paul, made the announcement to an excited crowd of middle-aged and older diocesan workers - all women - that "we have truly moved into the Church promised by Vatican II - a Church of the lay people, the real people of God."

When asked what lay behind this particular form of success, the bishop said that it was "a culmination of several important trends, or should I say, actions of the Spirit. For one, we really encouraged the enrolling of effeminate men into the priesthood over the last generation. One of our priests even lives with his boyfriend, I'm told. How great is that! Obviously, men like this are utterly incapable of inspiring faithful Catholic boys and young men to the heights of priestly sanctity."

"Second, the formation of our seminarians was ecumenical in spirit. Third, we never encouraged fanatical Catholic groups in the diocese, like CCO, NET, Theology of the Body workshops, or good marriage or sacramental prep., you know, that kind of thing. Fourthly, we emphasized again and again that there is no difference between the lay calling and the priestly one."

Humbly, the bishop refused to take too much credit for 'this glorious new age of no seminarians.' He praised the 'strong homosexual cabal' in the diocese's priesthood as being particularly committed to a change of priorities in the local church.

One of the lay-workers at the diocesan offices, Martha Neil-Brown-McPhee-Dupont, had this to say: "The most important thing is to just go through the motions, year after year, decade after decade. Many of us have been holding our positions here at the diocese for twenty, even thirty years. What do we do? Who even knows!"

But not everyone in the diocese is equally enthusiastic about a declining priesthood. Georgette Smith, who is the principal of a small Catholic school that gathers in the basement of an old abandoned building, and huddles around a single candle for light and heat, seems to be one of those old-fashioned critics identified by the bishop.

"Now I can only pray that a great tidal wave washes in from the Bay of Fundy, like in the days of Noah," she said.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Saints who Sued

By: SCCB Staff




Halifax, Canada - As a part of her confirmation program, Bethany Hills is writing a report on 'Saints who Sued.'

Bethany, a fourteen-year-old academic-achiever at St. Thomas Aquinas Church in the city, said that the essay is supposed to be about some aspect of the lives of the saints. Because her dad is a lawyer, she decided to focus on this aspect.

"I had originally thought that there would be a lot of material. I had heard about St. Thomas More, who is the patron saint of lawyers, but you know, he died. So there wasn't anything to work with there. And then I saw the movie "A Man for All Seasons," and despite being a lawyer it seems like suing wasn't really his thing."

The young lady said that she has learned a great deal, but the research has not yielded what she thought it would.

"I can't quite understand why I can't find any saints who sued, but I am sure that I will eventually find some stuff."

Bethany indicated that when she looked in the Bible Jesus didn't have much nice to say about lawyers. The Apostle Paul likewise seemed to indicate that believers shouldn't take their problems before secular judges.

"But it's weird because I heard about this priest who sues. He must have gotten that idea from somewhere."

"I have this big chart divided up by the centuries and I planned on putting all the saints who sued people from those centuries in it, but so far all the slots are blank! It's like I have done no work at all!"

Friday, February 20, 2015

New 'Suing Gospel' Uncovered






Tel Aviv, Israel - The Don Mills Catholic Archaeological Society has just announced a momentous discovery: a previously unknown third century document the group is calling "The Suing Gospel."

Jeff Geoffreys, the head of the Archaeological Society, said that they have called it "The Suing Gospel," because of the particular manner in which it radically recasts the original story-line of the apostolic Gospels. Like the recently uncovered Gospel of Judas, it diverges widely from the four canonical Gospels accepted by the Christian churches.

"In fact," said Geoffreys, "In this gospel, Jesus is not crucified at all. He is taken to court by the descendants of King David for falsely claiming to be the "Son of David." He loses the initial litigation, which is held in front of King Herod, and then three days later files a counter-suit in front of Pilate, which he wins."

The whole thing seems to hinge on Peter, actually. Judas, it turns out, is one of the members of the jury that finds Jesus guilty. Yes, he is paid off by the plaintiffs, and, yes, it is with thirty pieces of silver. Everything changes, however, when Peter finally gets up the courage to speak up for Jesus after having denied his heredity claim three times. Peter is depicted as some kind of ancient genealogist, it appears.

Salt n' Lite, the Canadian Catholic media company is said to be very interested in buying the rights to the story.

"I'm not saying it's an authentic gospel or anything, but it is strangely compelling isn't it? We might even call it a kind of edifying tale about how we are to live our lives as Christians," said Salt n' Lite CEO, Tommy Rose.

"Now that we got rid of all that foolishness about turning the other cheek."

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Editorial

By: Giovanni Nordstrum, President, SCCB Universal News

This does, in fact, bode well - SCCB.

In light of the threat of a lawsuit against a Canadian Catholic blogger that has recently come to light, we at SCCB are fully prepared to turn tail and run. This is not a matter of integrity, but of exercising that good, old-fashioned Canadian value of conformism in the face of threats by institutions larger, and therefore better, than us. It's the only way a socialist system like Canada's can work. We Canadians have long recognized this.

Just like we can't have doctors following their consciences, we can't have bloggers shooting off their mouths either. If we are going to have a system that works - whether in the Church or in the secular sphere - we can't have our leadership feeling uncomfortable. They are doing so much for us. It is our job to support them, not question them.

In this light, our editors and writers will be spending these next forty days trying to become more sensitive by thinking about where we get off thinking that we mere lay people might have valid perspectives and concerns. Our is to pray, pay and obey, as the good Vatican II Council taught us.

And here at the SCCB we are announcing that we are adopting a new model for our news service, a new modus operendi. We hereby commit ourselves to never questioning our betters: the CCCB, Salt n' Lite, and, above all, Jesuit-run universities.

Recent events have forced us to see that good Christian virtue does not consist so much in the pursuit of the pure doctrine of the Lord, as if it were light in a time of darkness, but rather in safety, caution, prudence and the occasional bit of flattery - the kinds of things that have made German Catholicism famous the world over.

And in case you were wondering, we fully disavow any support for other brave-minded renegades such as the scum who writes at Vox Cantoris, Cardinal Burke, LifeSiteNews, and any other talibanesque Catholics or Catholic organizations.

At the beginning of Lent I am reminded of Herodias and of her brave daughter, Salome, who had the courage to participate in the silencing of criticism by a person bent on causing the in-crowd discomfort. May we all be as bold in fighting against a spirit of negativity by whatever means are necessary: I suggest anonymous denunciation, nuisance lawsuits, and Twitter campaigns. We at the SCCB are prepared to do our part by denouncing any of our friends in a heartbeat if it means that we are saved from undue attention. Moreover, we are pleased to provide any service we can towards the aggrandizement of our betters in the Church.

- Yours facilitatingly, G. Nordstrum, SCCB.

Friday, February 13, 2015

New Papal Commission on Memes

Soon to be canonically sanctioned, for its promotion of
religious violence.

Toronto, Canada - In order to deal with an internet that the local and universal hierarchies of the Church cannot control, the Vatican has instituted the first of many reforms governing the Catholic use of cyberspace.

No, the steps are not geared toward limiting pornography, but rather to the far more dangerous musings of bitter, disenfranchised bloggers.

Catholic media mogul, Fr. Tommy Rose, has long been calling for the formation of the 'Congregation of Internet Supervision,' the name he suggested in his well-known rant about 'Taliban Catholics' - "people who think they know about Catholicism, but really don't because they say things I don't like."

The upper-echelons of the Church are said to be really excited about Fr. Rose's promise to bring clarity to the world-wide-web.  Popular Canadian Catholic blogger, the Heresy-Hunter, who has affectionately dubbed Rose, the "President of the Internet," is said to be likewise ecstatic about the direction things seem to be going.

Rose hopes that the first step the new Vatican congregation will deal with is misleading and judgmental Catholic memes. He says that they are a focus of great concern to him because they generally imply in their humorous way that the only good Catholics are the ones who go to confession, detest heresy and observe Lent.

"The worst one is that one about St. Nicholas punching Arius. You know the one that has him saying, 'I came to give presents to kids and to punch heretics, and I just ran out of presents' - just awful!"

"The sooner the internet is rid of these dangerous 'jokes' the better. They encourage too much black-and-white thinking. Why can't there be jokes about the unity and togetherness, and also solidarity?"

Thursday, February 12, 2015

One Hold-Out for the Parade

By: SCCB Staff
Artist's depiction of upcoming St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Parade Marshall Dolan is somewhere in the pile of bodies.

New York City, USA - A group of Catholics who began to worry about the Catholic identity of the St. Patrick's Day Parade in the city started a campaign shortly after last year's parade.

It seems their campaign was unexpectedly successful: "Put the Saint Back in Paddy" campaign reports that there will, in fact, be only one single Catholic in the parade. The single hold-out is one Tim Dolan, it appears.

In an interview with SCCB, Mr. Dolan stated that he "refuses to go with the flow."

"I am so sick of those self-righteous puritans. They know nothing of our Irish Catholic heritage. When has an Irishman ever lived as ascetically as they would like us to?"

When asked whether he thought his involvement in the parade might prove scandalous to his fellow Catholics, he said, "If someone is scandalized by someone like me, you know, just your average middle-aged guy, wearing a mesh belly-shirt and short shorts and chugging Guinness, well, I just don't know what passes for Catholic anymore!"  

"I mean, all these Catholics today, all they talk about is adoration, pro-life issues and good liturgy. I am here to show that there is another side."

While the "Put the Saint Back in Paddy" campaign is elated about their success, they said that they are very worried about Mr. Dolan and have begun a novena for him.

"We now feel like the shepherd in the parable: all the sheep but one are accounted for," said campaign chairwoman, Sr. Faustina of the Divine Infant.

She added, "I am praying that when he gets up on that float and looks out upon that sea of Roman-style debauchery, he will feel the hand of God and will begin to take the Gospel a little more seriously than he has. It will be Lent, after all."

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Pope Admits to Method of Cardinal-Choosing

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy 


Medieval version of the wheel used in selecting cardinals.

Vatican City - In light of the less-than-stellar showing from several cardinals in the last few years, revered Pope Emeritus Benedict confesses to a papal secret: they sometimes choose cardinals with the spin of a wheel.

The confession was made following some bizarre actions from the Sacred College of late - one cardinal referring to people actually interested in the Catholic tradition as proto-terrorists, a whole slew of cardinals being unaware of the Church's teaching on the indissolubility of marriage, another advising the Church not to listen to Africans.

While some of the bizarre picks can be pinned on Pope Francis, conservatives have had to admit that some of them were made during the now cherished time of Pope Benedict.

The Pope Emeritus admitted that "these days, the Wheel of Cardinals is pretty much only used when we need a German."

The Pope who is well-known for his love of tradition, said that this method was first brought in to avoid bloodshed when the 'prize' of the red hat was being divvied up among the great families of Italy - the Estes, the Pforzas, the Collonnas, the Medici, and so on.

"I decided to bring it back when John Paul and I looked out there one day and realized that the best contender for the dignity by far was Schonborn - Schonborn! It was my way of letting the newly elected German cardinals know that they were just seat-fillers and that I in no way respected them. If I could have chosen a horse instead of them, like Emperor Caligula did, I would have. And I told them that right off. I gave the crying room a whole new meaning!"

"Okay, so this confession of mine might make me look bad, but, come on, it took you people this long to figure out that something was up? I mean Marx people - Marx!"

The Pope Emeritus hastened to add that not all the 'hilarity' can be traced back to the Wheel. "You have to take into account senility too," he added.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

German Marx Confusion

By: SCCB European Correspondent, Klaus von Klaus



Munich, Germany - Cardinal Reinhard Marx is outraged that people have actually been calling him Karl Marx by accident.

Cardinal Marx has recently made headlines advocating for an open-dialogue around marital issues, including divorce and same-sex marriage.

"I see the confusion," he said, "I am a famous German named Marx, Karl Marx was a famous German... but the resemblance ends there."

Marx, who is head of the German bishops' conference, wishes his critics in North America would get to know him a bit better. "If they did they would stop associating me with the father of dialectical materialism."

"I am the one who is critical of capitalism, and have written an elaborate criticism of it. And I am the one who knows better than the old-fashioned Catholic Church."

"I am the one who wants to change the basic understanding of the nature of the family."

"Oh ya, I am also the one who doesn't think that people should be caught up in traditions and in objective sense of right and wrong. I am also the one who thinks that morality should reflect the times in which one lives."

"Additionally, see: no beard but a red hat."

"Thus, you see, that socialist-materialist and I are nothing alike."

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Barron Plagiarism Scandal

By: SCCB Staff

Barron offers desperate defense against charges.













Toronto, Canada - Fr. Robert Barron, founder of Word on Fire Catholic Ministries and well-known Catholic personality, has been engulfed in a plagiarism scandal.

An investigation spearheaded by the Toronto Star has discovered that Barron's videos repeatedly crib passages from the Catechism and the Bible and pass them off as if these were his own ideas.

"We have found no proof that Barron had requested and obtained the permission of the authors of these books, in compliance with CanCopy regulations," said TS investigative journalist, Marge Danish.

"In fact, the fraud runs even deeper," she added. "The pictures featured in his famous Catholicism videos were not even painted by him. "There were paintings from someone named Michelangelo, from a Fra Angelico and Lucas Cranach and so many others. We are trying to reach these artists now to ask them about initiating a class-action lawsuit. I imagine Fra will be quite outraged!"

The famous investigator, Danish, is also known for her work exposing Pope Benedict XVI's illegal use of an African's, Aurelius Augustine's, writings in the essays he wrote in university.

When asked about her next target she replied that she was going after some poet named Dante Alighieri's reputed use of a Dr. Thomas Aquinas' writings in his poetry.

"The Catholic Church seems to have a real problem with originality and Barron is one of the worst offenders," she concluded.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Obama Recalls Other Bad Things That Other People Did

By: SCCB Staff



Washington, D.C. - Only a day after American President, Barack Hussein Obama, implied the enduring guilt of the present-day Christians being slaughtered by ISIS for the modest armed conflicts that happened nearly a thousand years ago, he has made the same argument against black people.

The President made the controversial remarks at a breakfast hosted by the Washington Chapter of the NAACP.

"There was the time about three-thousand years ago that an African kingdom - these people were referred to as the Cushites in the Bible - invaded the Kingdom of Egypt and conquered it. So, it's not surprising that white people would be suspicious of black people even now. So black people should not get on their high horse."

One attendee at the breakfast who was a little surprised by the Muslim president's remarks, stated that "He was always taught that this kind of thing was called 'victim-blaming,' like when you asks about what a woman was wearing when she was raped. But that can't be right - he's a Democrat! I guess, just like those Christians in the Middle East, black people kind of deserve bad treatment at the hands of white people."

An historian at prestigious Jesuit-run Marquette University, Hank Repeater, stated that "Once you know about the Crusades, you know everything you need to know about the present day problems with Islam. And now our great president is teaching us about the history of race problems. He has really opened our eyes to the full story of history - the only two things that ever happened in the past."

Obama stated that history was a favorite past time of him and his Islamist-Marxist friends in university. "We formed up a history according to Malcolm X Society," he said.

When asked by journalists about Boko Haram, Obama responded, "Crusades."

Similarly, when asked about 9-11, responded, "Crusades."

About the beheading of the Japanese two weeks ago, "Crusades."

About the war between Iran and Iraq in the 1980s, "Crusades."

The Muslim invasion of Spain in the early Middle Ages, centuries before the Crusades, "Crusades."

The Muslim destruction of the great Christian lands in Egypt, Palestine and Anatolia in the 7th century, centuries before the Crusades, "Crusades."

Global warming, "Crusades."

Illiteracy in the Third World, "Crusades."

Swine Flu, Avian Flu, and the Spanish Flu, "Crusades."

Friday, February 6, 2015

Journalists Write to Pope Francis

By: SCCB Staff

Stressed-out journalists wait.
New York City, United States - In light of the diminishing number of surprising papal statements, the World Association of Journalists has written a letter requesting that the pope "step things up a little, like in 2013."

Ron Fairchild, President of the WAJ, which is headquartered in New York, said, "In this time of diminishing print sales Pope Francis has kept us in business with such gems as 'Who am I to judge?' and 'I will punch you for insulting my mother,' and 'Make sure you beat your kids.' The problem is that statements like this are becoming fewer and farther between. If he loves the poor as he says he does, he must consider struggling journalists too."

"It's like he not even trying to help us anymore," said an editor with the Wall Street Journal.

"Nor is he helping us," chimed in CNN reporter, Deborah Blond. "We also rely of these pontifical bon mots to fill our airtime with hours of groundless speculation about the Church changing its teaching."

"What are all the people we get in the studio who know nothing about the Catholic religion going to talk about? We are a 24-hour news service, you know!"

Meanwhile, Pope Emeritus Benedict is said to be looking healthier, has put on a bit of weight and is said to be sleeping 'somewhat' better recently.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Scientist has Proof Church is Wrong

By: SCCB Staff


Stassen conducting research.
Toronto, Canada - A scientist has proven that the Church is wrong about gay 'marriage.'

His proof is rather simple. Dr. Frederick von Stassen of the U of T has exhaustively studied the data and it is all clear to him now.

Stassen, a sociologist who holds the Sanger Good-Jeans Chair of Applied Parameterizing, says that he has watched "literally thousands of hours of television" and has decided that it provides "irrefutable proof that humanity has been wrong about sexuality for thousands of years."

He says that the more you watch TV the more you will be convinced, as he has been. Stassen has published his finding in this week's issue of People magazine, a peer-reviewed journal of TV-watchers.

"You will find on TV healthy, funny people, living full, well-rounded lives, holding down difficult jobs, you know, like doctors and lawyers. And, just as importantly, you will also see that their children are perfectly well-adjusted and happy."

His finding have been hailed by scholars around the world: people like NFL commentators, fashion critics, cafe baristas and interior designers, as well as the majority of undergrads at liberal arts colleges.

"The Church will simply have to change its teachings," said Dr. Stassen, who has himself taught Sunday school a few times, and is therefore qualified to speak on theological matters too.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Priest-Sniper Under Fire

By: SCCB Staff

Fr. Gains' famous high-caliber conversion from inches away.

Washington, D.C. - Criticism has been mounting against Fr. Chris Gains after the release of a movie about his 160 confirmed conversions.

Although Converter has been widely praised by actual Catholics, Church liberals have accused him of everything from cowardice to lying.

Cardinal Kasper said that he was always taught that apologists are the cowards of the Church, while CEO of Salt and Vinegar, the Canadian Catholic Broadcaster, Fr. Tommy Rose, said that Gainly was a liar for claiming that he converted him one day in a bar.

Rose later won a defamation suit against Gains, asserting that "he has never been converted in his life."

Despite Converter's record profits - making an astonishing $50 million on its opening day - Church elites are claiming that the movie glorifies proselytizing at a time when the pope is teaching us that all religions are more or less praiseworthy imitations of socialism.

Ecumenists around the world are outraged at the movie's depiction of an objective right and wrong / true and false in religion. "Not since the Passion has a movie been so disconcertingly black and white. The heroes of both of these movies are just too good to be true," said Fordham University theologian, Larry Sikes, S.J.

It has also come to light that a British priest may have, in fact, exceeded Gains' 160 conversions with a confirmed 173 conversions during missions to both Afghanistan and Iraq.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Interest in Priesthood Up Since Altar Boy Policy Change

By: SCCB Staff


Fr. Ryan Fedder representin'

Leamington, Canada - Our Lady of Good Hope Parish in the southern end of the London Diocese has seen a record increase in boys "hoping to go to the seminary some day," and the pastor says it's all because of his new altar serving policy.

The issue of limiting altar servers to boys only has once again come into focus after comments made by 'prelate bad-boy,' Cardinal Burke, a few weeks ago about the feminization of the Church, which he traced in part to girl altar servers.

One priest in Ontario has responded to the problem in a unique way.

Fr. Ryan Fedder says that, "No, I haven't excluded girls. I gave all the boys X Boxes. Since then we have a record number of requests from boys wanting to get on the server list."

"The other day one boy was so happy about his X Box he said that he might even become a priest so that he can play video games all the time!" Fr. Fedder chuckled, pointing out that he hardly ever plays with his game console any more.

"After the boy said that I knew I was on to something, and so that is why I contacted the SCCB."

Parishioners have had mixed, but generally positive, reactions to Fr. Fedder's approach.

"Fr. Ryan is just like one of the boys," said parishioner Chelsea Andrews, "Those big sneakers peeking out from under his alb during mass, his faux hawk, the barbwire tattoo on his arm, the way he refers to the girls of the parish as 'God's shorties'..."

It was eleven-year-old Chris Douglas who stated that he might become a priest some day. He has been serving at mass since the X Box policy came in. When the SCCB asked him about his hope to become a priest, Chris said, "Yeah, that, or a video game designer. Probably a video game designer."