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Thursday, October 8, 2015



Scholar: Grandson's First Homily 'Cute'

By: SCCB Staff
New priest, Jeff Gilligan (left).
Goderich, Canada - Twenty-five year old newly-ordained priest, Jeff Gilligan, celebrated his first 'solo' mass last Saturday for a group of well-wishers, including several members of his family.

The mass was held at Fr. Jeff's childhood parish, St. Dymphna, in the Borough, which is also the parish of his grandfather, Prof. Reginald Impressivo, world-renowned theologian.

Dr. Impressivo is the author of the highly acclaimed Encyclopedia of the History of the Catholic Church, which he wrote single-handedly, a nearly seven-thousand page tome, referred to as the definitive source on the subject, which has been quoted endlessly by scholars, and which Pope Benedict XVI himself called "an intellectual marvel that renders all of my work utterly obsolete. Oh well!"

When asked about his grandson's homily and how it stacked up in light of another bench-mark work of his, his three-volume, Theories of Homiletics: From the 9th century BC to Yesterday Afternoon, Impressivo said, "Cute."

"No, no, really, it's great how I get to sit here and listen to a guy who wouldn't qualify to get into my graduate courses talk for ten minutes about these things that I have never, ever thought about before."

"I especially like the part when he said that togetherness is better than apart-ness - he said that right? Or, maybe my favorite part was when he said that everything you need to learn about life you can learn in the seminary. Or, when he contrasted the stern views he had when he was young with the more mature views he has now."
Prof. Impressivo correcting errors in a colleague's  Dead
Sea Scroll translation, from 1956. (SCCB file photo)

At this point his wife added, "Oh, that's just professor talk for saying how proud he is of his grandson - Father Jeff! My husband can be a bit cranky at times, ever since that bout of torture for confessing Christ before those Islamic terrorist all those years ago. And, you know, he is kept up most nights fighting Satan - it makes a horrible din, you know. But you can be sure that both my husband and I were deeply moved by our grandson's, Jeffey's, homily."

When asked if this happy event would have any lasting impact for him, Impressivo said that while listening to the homily he had "actually been inspired to write a new book. I am thinking the title will be something like, Meritocracy: When Evangelization Worked in the History of the Church."

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Old Married Guy Punches Newly Married Guy

By: Marleen Tuffly, SCCB Criminal Reporter Division

Jim Douglas
Stuebenville, United States - A local man is up on charges after assaulting newly married and self-described Theology of the Body enthusiast.

Jordan Meek was treated for minor injuries by the Franciscan University nursing staff after the scuffle, police reported. The man who assaulted him, Jim Douglas, has confessed to punching Mr. Meek and is determined to do whatever it takes to make up for his mistake, which he said, "Just came out of nowhere, like some kind of primal rage."

Meeks was known to Douglas as "the guy who walks by his house every morning, singing Salve Regina at the top of his lungs."

Meeks was on his way to the university where he is doing a Masters degree in theology.

"I usually just nod to him when I see him," said Douglas, "but that day he just kept going on and on about the beauty of the Theology of the Body."

Assault victim, Jordan Meeks, hugs
SCCB journalist, Marleen Tuffly
"I just asked him how he was! I was trying to get into my car to go to work when he started in on it. A twenty-minute long barrage about the importance of spouses affirming each other's uniqueness. Listen, I have been married for twenty-three years. I am a devout Catholic. I have seven children. I was not in the mood to hear all about the 'glories of the Domestic Church' from a pimply-faced teenager who has literally been married for three months! He was just launching into a discussion of the 'feminine genius' when I lost it."

SCCB asked Mr. Meeks if he had any hard feelings towards his assaulter. "No, not at all! I think in time he will learn all that life has in store for him, as spelled out by St. John Paul the Great. I am sending him a copy of the Theology of the Body, so that should help him. And now I am sending him some prayer-hugs: zapp, zapp! Maybe I should send him some Christopher West CDs and Patrick Coffin's book, Sex Au Naturel? Or is that too much for a beginner to take in?"

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

NFP Thug Life 1

Just once more?

National Evangelization Commission Perplexed

By: SCCB Staff

CCCB Evangelization Commission Opening Ceremony for AGM
Ottawa, Canada - "Failing to reach our goals is not something we are used to at the CCCB, that's for sure." - That was the sentiment shared during the lunch break of the Annual General Meeting of the National Evangelization Commission of the CCCB.

"We spent the morning going over what we might have missed," said Eastern Sector-English-Native representative, Joe Howard, who is also co-co-chair of the Commission for a two-month term.

"Although we tried to be as thorough as possible, we still failed to make as big an impact as we had hoped," said Howard. "Our impression is that not everyone in Canada has yet embraced our message."

"We tried to set up the committee to be as effected as possible, by fairly representing Canadian Catholics: the English/French thing, the native thing, the Chinese thing, the Filipino thing... who did we miss? Our membership was exactly 50-50 on the genders. We had 10% homosexual representation, which reflects our culture perfectly, by the way. We had divorced and remarried Catholics, as well as single people and those who prefer to sleep around. We had young and old, university graduates and high school graduates. 30% of our membership was senior citizens. We had those who worked with same-sex attracted youth. We had AIDS sufferers. We even had a homeless person. We had thirteen refugees on the Commission. One of members was a same-sex attracted, divorced aboriginal socialist in a wheelchair, who worked with AIDS-suffering homeless under-privileged Middle Eastern autoworkers. (We were able to tick off a lot of boxes with him!) I ask again, who did we miss?"

"To be honest," offered one of the other of the thirty-six revolving co-co-chairs, Samantha Sniggles, "I don't think all of our problems had to do with our membership. I think we did a good job of getting an accurate cross-section of Catholics. Rather, I think it has to do with our message. I think we can do better at appearing more open. Take our 2015 motto, for example, which is "Together No One is Judged for Anything Ever." I wonder, does it leave out people with Split-Personality Disorder. Sorry, that's its old name. What I mean is, people blessed with Multi-Personality Enhancement Giftedness. Did we exclude those people by using the word 'one'?"
Cardinal Collins: "I just... I just..."

Gerty Durkheim, past-co-co-chair from the May-June term, the German-Croatian English-speaking non-Native Goose Bay, Labrador Region representative, said, "We spent two hours discussing the ways in which our differences make us special. I think if we just spend a little more time doing that, we will get to where Mother Gaia wants us to be."

When SCCB asked what he thought about the meeting so far and what hope he thought there was for the CCCB Commission to make some real headway in evengelizing Canada, special episcopal representative to the Commission, Cardinal Thomas Collins, was clearly deeply moved. "Please, I just... I just... Please give me a few minutes to clear my head and drink this coffee before I have to go back in there. O dear Lord!"