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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Blind not Blind, Catholic Group

By: SCCB Staff

Ottawa, Canada - A group of Catholics wants the Church to open its spiritual eyes, but not the other ones.

"No more ocular prejudice!" a letter recently submitted to Luigi Bonazzi, the pope's representative in Canada, begins.

Frank Brite, President of Catholics for Visionless Acceptance (CVA), describes the goal of the group: "Millions of people in the world suffer terrible prejudice, I mean the blind. And Christianity has contributed to this. The Bible is full of passages that treat blindness as if it is bad. My Jesus would not have gone around curing blindness. Rather, he would have accepted people just as they are and affirmed them. Who are we to say that seeing is better than not seeing?"

CVA is asking the pope to rewrite the passages of the Bible that treat blindness as a liability, "rather than, as it really is, something to be celebrated."

"The only sin lies in not accepting that everyone is in the exact same position. Whether you see or not, whether you can smell a rose or not, whether you can breathe or not... well, no, you have to be able to breathe... but whether you can walk or not, whether you can taste or not, all people's lives are exactly the same. We have to stop treating people like lepers, even lepers should not be treated like they have leprosy."

"You say that those with coughs should put on masks when they enter a hospital. I say those without coughs should put them on for a change."

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Church to Talk about Mercy, Finally

By: SCCB Staff

Holy Affection Church's youth group is excited about it's new bishop,
who will finally teach them about the real Jesus.
Greensburg, Penn. - A bishop-elect has said that he is going to imitate Pope Francis' attention to mercy, beginning a totally new thing in the two-thousand-year-old Catholic religion.

Bishop-elect Ruggles' words seem to resonate with the people of his diocese. "It's great to have attention given to this new idea. If we had done so earlier maybe so many bad things would not have happened, like slavery, women not being able to vote, and the death of Jesus," said Mary-Kate Robinson of Holy Affection Parish in Greensburg.

"Mercy is such a powerful idea, one that can really bring people together," said George Fance, an employee of the diocese.

When asked what mercy meant to him, Mr. Fance said that "Mercy is about doing good to others, something totally missed by Christians until Pope Francis."

"It's about not judging," said youth group leader, Tim Timmies. "Like if someone in our youth group got a tattoo, I wouldn't judge them. Or if someone in the group had sex, I wouldn't judge them. I would be mad if it was unprotected sex, but I wouldn't judge them. Just like Pope Francis is teaching us: 'don't ever judge anything, ever.'"

Local theological professor, Karla Mousonier, said she was very excited to hear about the new bishop's focus on mercy. "If there was only a way to integrate the concept of mercy into the liturgy, we would be well on our way, wouldn't we?"

"Accepting the idea of mercy demands a total re-conceptualizing of the Christian Faith," she added.

"No, it's not a vacuous term, bandied about by empty-headed people who have no theological and historical sense, who just hear something that sounds nice and then run with it."

Monday, April 20, 2015

Church Worst Hirer Ever: Study

By: SCCB Staff

New York - A study commissioned by Forbes Magazine has some a pretty surprising findings for Catholics. It turns out that the Catholic Church is the worst at hiring people.

Chet Hewis, editor-in-chief of Forbes, said that it was hires like Catholic Relief Services’ of "married" homosexual Rick Estridge, as its Vice President, and like that of Roger Lawler, radical sex-ed program supporter, as General Secretary of the Ontario Catholic Bishops' Conference, that put the Church in first place.

"All the organizations in our top-50 list did things like this. It's like hiring a vegetarian to run your cattle ranch," said Hewis. "It should be obvious that finding the right people for your organization is a key to success. The organizations in this list have a lot to learn."

Other 'terrible hirers' include the People of the United States of America for hiring renowned America-hater, Barack Obama, as its president - twice. Greenpeace likewise gained infamy for hiring jet-setter, Pascal Husting, as its international program director.

"Every company makes mistakes. This list is about companies that failed spectacularly to do any background research at all or to think about their organization's long-term goals."

When asked by SCCB to comment on the case of the Catholic Church, Hewis indicated that wrong hires was something of a tradition for that organization, citing its original twelve branch manager, the Apostles, as case in point.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

French Ambassadorial Kerfuffle Resolved

By: SCCB French Correspondent, Henri LaMasonLibre

French diplomat, Stefanini.

Paris, France - A recent diplomatic incident had left papal-watchers wondering about Pope Francis' view on homosexuality.

The incident began when the French government nominated an apparently homosexual man, Laurent Stefanini, as its ambassador to the Holy See. After weeks had passed with the Holy See failing to recognize the candidate's status, it became widely rumored that Pope Francis was not the 'homosexuals' pope' after all.

Elton John was said to have "not slept well this week."

However, several days ago the press office of the Vatican's Secretariat of State denied that homosexuality factored into the equation at all, and pointed to the "hopelessly complicated process" of diplomatic appointments as the cause for the delay.

And yet it has recently come to light that Stefanini is not homosexual at all, but that he "just likes nice things," said some Vatican monsignor. (It is said that the DNA test to prove the claim is pending.)

National Catholic Register apologist for the pope, Mark Stain, added, "Not only is the candidate not gay, but it turns out that there is no such place as France. The things secular journalists and the pope-bashing traddies come up with!"

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Young Man Wonders Why God Hates Him

By: SCCB Staff

Toronto, Canada - A twenty-five year old theology graduate is seeing the Good Friday "atheistic cry" in a different light this year.

After yet another letter of rejection from a Catholic organization, Josh Edmund is experiencing Jesus' sense of abandonment on the Cross in a new way, he says.

"I have received five letters of rejection this year from Catholic organizations, and they all said the same thing: 'After prayerful discernment we have decided not to hire you,'" the young man told SCCB.

"It's not that I don't understand that life is full of set-backs and disappointments and that that's how we come closer to God. It's just that I don't know what I've done to piss God off so badly. What do these organizations know that I don't? I pray all the time!"

Edmund said that he found the first letter he received this year almost edifying: "Wow, they actually discerned God's will - just like that!"

However, the young man added that "After a couple more of these 'prayerfully discerned' rejection letters I got a little dejected."

"I mean, I go to mass a few times a week, make holy hours, I don't look at pornography, I fast on Fridays, I volunteer at the old-age home... What is it that I am doing wrong that all these organizations are able to discern that I am not?"

Josh's Calvinist friend, George Hadfield, said that it was a clear sign of his friend's election to damnation.

"Well, the Church does have special insight into God's will for men, so maybe George is right," Josh said.

"But it's just so funny that it wasn't discerned that all those people working at the diocesan chancery who dissent from the Church's teaching on so many matters shouldn't work there. I just don't understand God at all!"

"The funniest thing of all was when I applied to the CCCB for a ministry job. When I heard about William Kokesch, I thought surely it wouldn't be 'discerned' that I didn't belong there! But lo and behold, there too was it prayerfully discerned that I should not work there. Was nobody prayerfully discerning with Kokesch, or does God even like him better than me?"

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Papal Successor Talk

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy

Vatican City - In light of Pope Francis' remarks upon the occasion of his second anniversary as pope, that he will not be around all that much longer, a certain cardinal in England, has been speculating once again about the succession.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had been accused of illicitly lobbying for the election of Bergoglio two years ago, which some consider invalidates the succession and effects the automatic excommunication of the cardinal himself.

Newly uncovered emails do nothing to vindicate him. The hacker organization, 'Anonymous Catholic,' (rather than Guy Fawkes masks, they wear Queen Elizabeth I masks) posted emails exchanged between the cardinal and an unidentified German cardinal online this morning. The German cardinal is identified only by his address:

A few of the more controversial messages are included here:

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"Dear brother, seeing that 'big daddy' is saying that he only has a few years left, we should begin to find his successor"

From openmarriages:

"Yes, brother, way ahead of you here. I have found a guy who loves the fringe so much he only attends non-Catholic events, only recognizes second marriages, and has called birth control pills "a better type of communion.'"

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds great, but what are his views on the liturgy?"

From openmarriages:

"Three words for you: drums, banners and dance."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"And how does he feel about the poor?"

From openmarriages:

"Don't worry: he's from a wealthy family, so he's as good at pretending to care about the poor as the Kennedys and the Clintons."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds perfect."

When asked about the controversial emails, the spokesman for the pope said, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do about it? Things just kind of happen the way they do. We could get all upset about it, but in the end it's much better just to ignore it. You just have to let God be God. And God has made wealthy liberals to rule over us. You can't question His ways."

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

New Journalist Catching up on Ontario Bishops News

By: SCCB Staff

Toronto, Canada - Every job has its 'learning curve.' It's been a particularly difficult week for new SCCB reporter, Gerry Haessler, who has been assigned to cover news from the Ontario Bishops.

For instance, she could not quite understand how the General Secretary of the Ontario Bishops' Conference could publicly refer to efforts to oppose the Liberal Government's new sex-ed program as "pathetic."

"A few of the Ontario bishops have been particularly vocal in their opposition to the new program, so how can this guy refer to these same efforts as pathetic and yet keep his job?" Haessler wondered aloud at the SCCB morning meeting, to the amusement of our veteran journalists.

"I once lost a job once for saying that I didn't like the coffee in the break room," she added.

"So how does one become General Secretary on the Assembly of Catholic Bishops of Ontario anyway?"

"You just need to be able to speak French," another journalist told her.

"Do you have to be Catholic?"

"Define Catholic."

"Um, belief in and commitment to the promotion of Catholic belief."

"Then, no, you don't have to be Catholic. But bear in mind," added one of our veteran journalists, "that most of the Ontario bishops aren't really sure what being Catholic means in today's crazy, mixed-up world, anyway."

"So, why did they decide on Roger Lawler of all people?"

"That's the million dollar question, isn't it? And if we were a real news organization we might be tempted to uncover that mystery. But I'm sure a good journalist, like Deborah Gyapong, for instance, is looking into it."

"And, just for the record," added Haessler, "I love our coffee."