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Saturday, March 14, 2015

Papal Successor Talk

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy


Vatican City - In light of Pope Francis' remarks upon the occasion of his second anniversary as pope, that he will not be around all that much longer, a certain cardinal in England, has been speculating once again about the succession.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had been accused of illicitly lobbying for the election of Bergoglio two years ago, which some consider invalidates the succession and effects the automatic excommunication of the cardinal himself.

Newly uncovered emails do nothing to vindicate him. The hacker organization, 'Anonymous Catholic,' (rather than Guy Fawkes masks, they wear Queen Elizabeth I masks) posted emails exchanged between the cardinal and an unidentified German cardinal online this morning. The German cardinal is identified only by his address: openmarriages@openchurch.de

A few of the more controversial messages are included here:

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"Dear brother, seeing that 'big daddy' is saying that he only has a few years left, we should begin to find his successor"

From openmarriages:

"Yes, brother, way ahead of you here. I have found a guy who loves the fringe so much he only attends non-Catholic events, only recognizes second marriages, and has called birth control pills "a better type of communion.'"

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds great, but what are his views on the liturgy?"

From openmarriages:

"Three words for you: drums, banners and dance."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"And how does he feel about the poor?"

From openmarriages:

"Don't worry: he's from a wealthy family, so he's as good at pretending to care about the poor as the Kennedys and the Clintons."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds perfect."

When asked about the controversial emails, the spokesman for the pope said, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do about it? Things just kind of happen the way they do. We could get all upset about it, but in the end it's much better just to ignore it. You just have to let God be God. And God has made wealthy liberals to rule over us. You can't question His ways."

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

New Journalist Catching up on Ontario Bishops News

By: SCCB Staff

Toronto, Canada - Every job has its 'learning curve.' It's been a particularly difficult week for new SCCB reporter, Gerry Haessler, who has been assigned to cover news from the Ontario Bishops.

For instance, she could not quite understand how the General Secretary of the Ontario Bishops' Conference could publicly refer to efforts to oppose the Liberal Government's new sex-ed program as "pathetic."

"A few of the Ontario bishops have been particularly vocal in their opposition to the new program, so how can this guy refer to these same efforts as pathetic and yet keep his job?" Haessler wondered aloud at the SCCB morning meeting, to the amusement of our veteran journalists.

"I once lost a job once for saying that I didn't like the coffee in the break room," she added.

"So how does one become General Secretary on the Assembly of Catholic Bishops of Ontario anyway?"

"You just need to be able to speak French," another journalist told her.

"Do you have to be Catholic?"

"Define Catholic."

"Um, belief in and commitment to the promotion of Catholic belief."

"Then, no, you don't have to be Catholic. But bear in mind," added one of our veteran journalists, "that most of the Ontario bishops aren't really sure what being Catholic means in today's crazy, mixed-up world, anyway."

"So, why did they decide on Roger Lawler of all people?"

"That's the million dollar question, isn't it? And if we were a real news organization we might be tempted to uncover that mystery. But I'm sure a good journalist, like Deborah Gyapong, for instance, is looking into it."

"And, just for the record," added Haessler, "I love our coffee."

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Canadian Stephen Colbert

By: SCCB Staff


Coren shows viewers the new microphone he had
attached to his finger in time for his new show.
Toronto, Canada - Late night television is soon to be completely in the hands of devout Catholic funny-men.

It is well known that Stephen Colbert is set to take over from David Letterman as host of the Late Show on September 8th. Entertainment Tonight Canada now reports that Michael Coren will be taking over as host of CBC's soon-to-be revived The Hour, which had been hosted by George Stroumboulopoulos.

Coren is no stranger to television nor to Canadians.

The producer of the show, Diane Brown, tells us that "It will be funny, very Catholic and very interesting."

She then hastened to add, "If by funny and Catholic you mean Coren berating orthodox Catholics for sixty-minutes at a time for being homophobic, all the while attesting to his belief in the Creed, the Trinity and Mary, and while reassuring us that he is not himself gay but has been married for a number of years and has children."

"In other words, it will be kind of an uncomfortable, scarier version of what Colbert does."

"If you like stereotypes of traditional Catholic believers as angry and hate-filled, you will love The Hour with host, Michael Coren!"

Friday, March 6, 2015

Key to Evangelization

By: SCCB Staff


Blopp's words have an immediate impact. One attendee passes out.
Orleans, Canada - In a conference this past weekend, evangelization expert, Mike Blopp, made some pretty earth-shattering statements. Conference attendees are said to still be reeling.

"One necessary element in evangelization," he said to the roughly two-hundred conference attendees, "Is good catechization."

"I mean, he went there. I can't believe it, but he did," said Doug Ryerton who said he was sitting in the front row and nearly fell out of his chair when Blopp linked catechism and evanglization together.

"I thought he was going to say something else, but he didn't. He said this," said Fran Esterwire.

Ethan Despares added that "There was an audible gasp in the church. I even think Blopp was caught off guard by what he said. I mean, he was a professional about it and everything, but he was really struggling to regain his composure for a few minutes after that."

And yet opinions were divided over Blopp's assertion. While some referred to it as a "graced moment, like at Pentecost," others referred to it as "anarchistic, irresponsible."

Whatever the case my be, no one can doubt that this was a conference that none would soon forget.

When asked whether Blopp would be invited back, Divine Infant of Prague pastor, Fr. Willy Lambeth, said, "At this point I can only tell you that the Pastoral Life Committee has some real soul-searching to do this next little while."

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Cardinal Pell Under Fire for Purchases

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy




Vatican City - It was expected that the high-profile Prefect for the Secretariat for the Economy and member of the Council of Cardinals would come under close scrutiny by the media, but few expected things to get this bad.

Some are calling this week's developments the beginning of Cardinal Pell's fall from grace. As is now well-known, the cardinal is reeling from the discovery of a receipt from a visit he made to a Starbucks in Sydney back in 2008.

Active Church-critic, Josh Freeney, who runs the website, Churchdumdumevil.com, describes the matter, "Pell is living on a scale that would even make Renaissance cardinals ashamed. Not only did he order a grande frappucinno - with chocolate sprinkles, I might add - but he ordered one of their elitist ham sandwiches, you know, the one's that are like eight bucks. And to top it all off, he bought a pound of Kenya medium roast: non fair-trade coffee, people! It was probably a gift for his mistress!"

Apologists for the cardinal have been active offering a defense for what is being called by some "the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the Australian Catholic Church."

The spokesman for the Sydney Archdiocese, Fr. Thomas Archibald, said he would be making an official statement on the matter later in the week. However, critics have shown little equivalent hesitancy:

"I guess we know who the real 'bishop of bling' is now," added Freeney. "How does he think he can reform the Vatican when he has his face so deeply in the trough?"

"I say the time has come to sell the Vatican and end world hunger once and for all."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Pope's Lenten Intentions

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy



Vatican City - In a move that has some Vatican-watchers wondering about the pope's mental condition as he approaches the end of his second year as Supreme Pontiff, Pope Francis has released an unusual list of prayers.

"Certainly, we are seeing a different side of the Pope," said well-known Vatican reporter, John Allen Jr.

As expected, the list includes the standard prayers for world leaders and ending world hunger, but it also includes a number of unusual petitions, such as "that the cardinals would stop assuming that I don't read the news and so realize that I totally know what they say about me."

Another surprising intention is formulated, "That homosexuals would figure out that in the field hospital analogy, they are the patients, not the doctors."

A few other notable intentions:

"That ISIS would give me time to straighten out the College first before the next conclave."

"That Putin and Fernández de Kirchner would come clean about their assassinations before Easter."

"That somehow Kasper and Burke would be involved in the same head-on car collision."

"That Notre Dame would just stop it, just stop it!" (This one is said to have been thrown in as a favor to the Pope Emeritus.)

"That people would learn how to take a joke sometimes about the things I say."

The pope has ordered the prayers to be said in all the Catholic Churches of the world from Laetare Sunday to Easter Sunday.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Archbishop too Catholic

By: SCCB Staff



These girls are pretty sure they are doing something about stuff.
Breast cancer, colitis, or global warming, possibly?  
San Francisco, United States - Although the Church in ultra-liberal San Francisco is not unfamiliar with tension, things seem to have reached a fever-pitch with Archbishop Cordelione in recent weeks.

The bishop is under fire from some Catholic employees for his insistence on incorporating and enforcing certain Catholic identity clauses into the contracts of Archdiocesan employees.

Jake Ryans has worked for various Catholic schools in the diocese over the years and says that, "This is the first I've heard about the Catholic schools being Catholic. I mean, how would Pope Francis feel if he knew that Catholic schools were being Catholic? How Catholic is that?"

"I have taught all sorts of subjects in some of the schools here. I taught religion at Precious Blood of Christ School, I taught Catholic Ethics at Holy and Efficacious Divine Mercy School, and I taught Catholicism in the Modern World at the Sacred Wounds of Christ School. I have even taught Catholic history at No Salvation Outside the Church School, and I have never, ever considered myself a Catholic teacher. And now this all of a sudden! It makes no sense."

Another diocesan employee echoes Ryans' sentiment. Jill Anderson works in the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Diocesan Center downtown and states that "The recent closed-minded approach of Cordelione stands in blatant contrast to everything I do in my job here." Anderson is the Director of Catholic Faith and Life for the Archdiocese.

"What's next? I suppose he will want me to take down the statue of Shiva I put up in the chapel here!"

School attendee, Melanie DuCharm (pictured above), said that she hopes that "the Bishop will change his mind and become more tolerant about breast cancer."