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Monday, April 20, 2015

Church Worst Hirer Ever: Study

By: SCCB Staff

New York - A study commissioned by Forbes Magazine has some a pretty surprising findings for Catholics. It turns out that the Catholic Church is the worst at hiring people.

Chet Hewis, editor-in-chief of Forbes, said that it was hires like Catholic Relief Services’ of "married" homosexual Rick Estridge, as its Vice President, and like that of Roger Lawler, radical sex-ed program supporter, as General Secretary of the Ontario Catholic Bishops' Conference, that put the Church in first place.

"All the organizations in our top-50 list did things like this. It's like hiring a vegetarian to run your cattle ranch," said Hewis. "It should be obvious that finding the right people for your organization is a key to success. The organizations in this list have a lot to learn."

Other 'terrible hirers' include the People of the United States of America for hiring renowned America-hater, Barack Obama, as its president - twice. Greenpeace likewise gained infamy for hiring jet-setter, Pascal Husting, as its international program director.

"Every company makes mistakes. This list is about companies that failed spectacularly to do any background research at all or to think about their organization's long-term goals."

When asked by SCCB to comment on the case of the Catholic Church, Hewis indicated that wrong hires was something of a tradition for that organization, citing its original twelve branch manager, the Apostles, as case in point.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

French Ambassadorial Kerfuffle Resolved

By: SCCB French Correspondent, Henri LaMasonLibre

French diplomat, Stefanini.

Paris, France - A recent diplomatic incident had left papal-watchers wondering about Pope Francis' view on homosexuality.

The incident began when the French government nominated an apparently homosexual man, Laurent Stefanini, as its ambassador to the Holy See. After weeks had passed with the Holy See failing to recognize the candidate's status, it became widely rumored that Pope Francis was not the 'homosexuals' pope' after all.

Elton John was said to have "not slept well this week."

However, several days ago the press office of the Vatican's Secretariat of State denied that homosexuality factored into the equation at all, and pointed to the "hopelessly complicated process" of diplomatic appointments as the cause for the delay.

And yet it has recently come to light that Stefanini is not homosexual at all, but that he "just likes nice things," said some Vatican monsignor. (It is said that the DNA test to prove the claim is pending.)

National Catholic Register apologist for the pope, Mark Stain, added, "Not only is the candidate not gay, but it turns out that there is no such place as France. The things secular journalists and the pope-bashing traddies come up with!"

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Young Man Wonders Why God Hates Him

By: SCCB Staff

Toronto, Canada - A twenty-five year old theology graduate is seeing the Good Friday "atheistic cry" in a different light this year.

After yet another letter of rejection from a Catholic organization, Josh Edmund is experiencing Jesus' sense of abandonment on the Cross in a new way, he says.

"I have received five letters of rejection this year from Catholic organizations, and they all said the same thing: 'After prayerful discernment we have decided not to hire you,'" the young man told SCCB.

"It's not that I don't understand that life is full of set-backs and disappointments and that that's how we come closer to God. It's just that I don't know what I've done to piss God off so badly. What do these organizations know that I don't? I pray all the time!"

Edmund said that he found the first letter he received this year almost edifying: "Wow, they actually discerned God's will - just like that!"

However, the young man added that "After a couple more of these 'prayerfully discerned' rejection letters I got a little dejected."

"I mean, I go to mass a few times a week, make holy hours, I don't look at pornography, I fast on Fridays, I volunteer at the old-age home... What is it that I am doing wrong that all these organizations are able to discern that I am not?"

Josh's Calvinist friend, George Hadfield, said that it was a clear sign of his friend's election to damnation.

"Well, the Church does have special insight into God's will for men, so maybe George is right," Josh said.

"But it's just so funny that it wasn't discerned that all those people working at the diocesan chancery who dissent from the Church's teaching on so many matters shouldn't work there. I just don't understand God at all!"

"The funniest thing of all was when I applied to the CCCB for a ministry job. When I heard about William Kokesch, I thought surely it wouldn't be 'discerned' that I didn't belong there! But lo and behold, there too was it prayerfully discerned that I should not work there. Was nobody prayerfully discerning with Kokesch, or does God even like him better than me?"

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Papal Successor Talk

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy

Vatican City - In light of Pope Francis' remarks upon the occasion of his second anniversary as pope, that he will not be around all that much longer, a certain cardinal in England, has been speculating once again about the succession.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had been accused of illicitly lobbying for the election of Bergoglio two years ago, which some consider invalidates the succession and effects the automatic excommunication of the cardinal himself.

Newly uncovered emails do nothing to vindicate him. The hacker organization, 'Anonymous Catholic,' (rather than Guy Fawkes masks, they wear Queen Elizabeth I masks) posted emails exchanged between the cardinal and an unidentified German cardinal online this morning. The German cardinal is identified only by his address:

A few of the more controversial messages are included here:

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"Dear brother, seeing that 'big daddy' is saying that he only has a few years left, we should begin to find his successor"

From openmarriages:

"Yes, brother, way ahead of you here. I have found a guy who loves the fringe so much he only attends non-Catholic events, only recognizes second marriages, and has called birth control pills "a better type of communion.'"

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds great, but what are his views on the liturgy?"

From openmarriages:

"Three words for you: drums, banners and dance."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"And how does he feel about the poor?"

From openmarriages:

"Don't worry: he's from a wealthy family, so he's as good at pretending to care about the poor as the Kennedys and the Clintons."

From Murphy-O'Connor:

"He sounds perfect."

When asked about the controversial emails, the spokesman for the pope said, "Yeah, but what are you gonna do about it? Things just kind of happen the way they do. We could get all upset about it, but in the end it's much better just to ignore it. You just have to let God be God. And God has made wealthy liberals to rule over us. You can't question His ways."

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

New Journalist Catching up on Ontario Bishops News

By: SCCB Staff

Toronto, Canada - Every job has its 'learning curve.' It's been a particularly difficult week for new SCCB reporter, Gerry Haessler, who has been assigned to cover news from the Ontario Bishops.

For instance, she could not quite understand how the General Secretary of the Ontario Bishops' Conference could publicly refer to efforts to oppose the Liberal Government's new sex-ed program as "pathetic."

"A few of the Ontario bishops have been particularly vocal in their opposition to the new program, so how can this guy refer to these same efforts as pathetic and yet keep his job?" Haessler wondered aloud at the SCCB morning meeting, to the amusement of our veteran journalists.

"I once lost a job once for saying that I didn't like the coffee in the break room," she added.

"So how does one become General Secretary on the Assembly of Catholic Bishops of Ontario anyway?"

"You just need to be able to speak French," another journalist told her.

"Do you have to be Catholic?"

"Define Catholic."

"Um, belief in and commitment to the promotion of Catholic belief."

"Then, no, you don't have to be Catholic. But bear in mind," added one of our veteran journalists, "that most of the Ontario bishops aren't really sure what being Catholic means in today's crazy, mixed-up world, anyway."

"So, why did they decide on Roger Lawler of all people?"

"That's the million dollar question, isn't it? And if we were a real news organization we might be tempted to uncover that mystery. But I'm sure a good journalist, like Deborah Gyapong, for instance, is looking into it."

"And, just for the record," added Haessler, "I love our coffee."

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Canadian Stephen Colbert

By: SCCB Staff

Coren shows viewers the new microphone he had
attached to his finger in time for his new show.
Toronto, Canada - Late night television is soon to be completely in the hands of devout Catholic funny-men.

It is well known that Stephen Colbert is set to take over from David Letterman as host of the Late Show on September 8th. Entertainment Tonight Canada now reports that Michael Coren will be taking over as host of CBC's soon-to-be revived The Hour, which had been hosted by George Stroumboulopoulos.

Coren is no stranger to television nor to Canadians.

The producer of the show, Diane Brown, tells us that "It will be funny, very Catholic and very interesting."

She then hastened to add, "If by funny and Catholic you mean Coren berating orthodox Catholics for sixty-minutes at a time for being homophobic, all the while attesting to his belief in the Creed, the Trinity and Mary, and while reassuring us that he is not himself gay but has been married for a number of years and has children."

"In other words, it will be kind of an uncomfortable, scarier version of what Colbert does."

"If you like stereotypes of traditional Catholic believers as angry and hate-filled, you will love The Hour with host, Michael Coren!"

Friday, March 6, 2015

Key to Evangelization

By: SCCB Staff

Blopp's words have an immediate impact. One attendee passes out.
Orleans, Canada - In a conference this past weekend, evangelization expert, Mike Blopp, made some pretty earth-shattering statements. Conference attendees are said to still be reeling.

"One necessary element in evangelization," he said to the roughly two-hundred conference attendees, "Is good catechization."

"I mean, he went there. I can't believe it, but he did," said Doug Ryerton who said he was sitting in the front row and nearly fell out of his chair when Blopp linked catechism and evanglization together.

"I thought he was going to say something else, but he didn't. He said this," said Fran Esterwire.

Ethan Despares added that "There was an audible gasp in the church. I even think Blopp was caught off guard by what he said. I mean, he was a professional about it and everything, but he was really struggling to regain his composure for a few minutes after that."

And yet opinions were divided over Blopp's assertion. While some referred to it as a "graced moment, like at Pentecost," others referred to it as "anarchistic, irresponsible."

Whatever the case my be, no one can doubt that this was a conference that none would soon forget.

When asked whether Blopp would be invited back, Divine Infant of Prague pastor, Fr. Willy Lambeth, said, "At this point I can only tell you that the Pastoral Life Committee has some real soul-searching to do this next little while."